Can you find your replacement please? Warning: Super vulnerable

Well, this story has been brewing in my heart for a while.  It isn't easy to write, but I just feel compelled to spill the beans, to let it loose, like someone needs to hear this somewhere. This is THE MOST VULNERABLE POST I HAVE EVER WRITTEN.

But these were words that I heard a few short months ago, "We love what you do and you're the best at it, but we would really like for you to train a 'younger Lindsay', someone between 18-29."  And I am 34.  So my job was done.

Yeah, that was said to me.

Crushed. Defeated. Self Esteem gone.

It is hard to hear these words, but it is especially hard to hear these words from someone you trusted.

But it happened.  

So I went through the whole gammut of questioning myself.  Am I too old?  Am I not pretty enough? Surely they don't think I am not trendy? Did I miss God's voice?  Did I not hear Him?

So I cried for about a week straight.  I felt like I was past my prime. Finished. Through.

My face broke out with a vengeance.  My skin began to look wrinkly and sad. 

My kids saw me cry.  My husband held me.

I bought every new anti-aging cream I could find.

I colored my hair, I got it cut in a funky style.

I bought several new outfits.

Then one day I heard God say,

"Enough, I don't care about any of this. None of it.  I am losing you, Lindsay. Come back to me. I wasn't through with you.  I don't care if someone else was through with you. I am NOT DONE."

So I breathed a sigh, a long sigh. And I began to see it like God sees it.

God loves me just the way I am.

God strategically placed me where I am to reach who I need to reach.

God gave me 34 years to learn life lessons so that I could SHARE it.

God will never neglect to use my pain for His glory.

God never expected me to be silent, even at 100 years old. Age isn't a number, it's an attitude of the heart.

So that is when God told me very clearly one night:  It is time for you to BE THE CHURCH.

Be my hands and feet.

Be Jesus to everyone you meet.

Be the hug that a child needs.

Be the neighbor that is known for hospitality.

Be the Mom who will nurture other moms.

Be the singer, the worshipper you've always been, even when no one is watching.

Be you. Be the Church.

I don't know if you have ever experienced anything similar.  Basically, it's rejection.  Rejection of any kind hurts A LOT.  But I am learning that rejection comes from man. God will never ever reject you. He will never let you down.  He is never finished with you.  He defines you.  And He smiles.  He smiles everytime He looks at you.  He is proud.  He is in love.  In love with You.

AND BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL:  Sometimes God allows man to suffer rejection in order to force him to move on to better things.  To make us walk toward the better option, His option. He doesn't want us to hurt, but He will allow it if it makes us run towards the Cross. Toward His best. Toward His heart.

Keep your heads up, Sweet Friends.  God is not finished with me.  And He is not finished with you.

Stay Contagious,

Lindsay

When Following God Doesn't Make Sense

It was twelve months ago. I heard His voice. It was clear. "Your time here is coming to a close. Be prepared to move on."

NOT exactly what I wanted to hear as I prayed that morning.  NOT something that brought a smile to my face. But my heart knew it was right. My flesh screamed out but my heart responded, "Peace over popularity. Do the right thing."

So for several months I walked on a path of transition, a path that I knew would ultimately lead me away from what I was currently doing. A new road that would take me on my next bumpy journey.

But I knew that others wouldn't understand.  They didn't see what I saw.  They didn't hear what I heard. "God, this won't make sense to others. They won't get it," I reasoned with Him so many times.

But you see I have never been able to run away from the whispers of His presence, the beckoning of His voice.  Once I hear it, I am compelled to follow. So I did.

Exactly 12 months later in December 2015, I made a huge decision for our family.  I resigned my volunteer position as a worship leader at our church. With hands shaking, I typed a letter explaining my intentions. It wasn't my hand. I felt His hand over mine. Gliding through the keys, penning the exact sentiment He wanted.

When I read the letter to my family, there was a collective sigh. My children both said, "Momma, this was the right thing to do. God already told us." My husband grabbed me and said, "It's time for your next adventure. Let it go." You see my family had suffered from me not responding sooner.  During my wrestling with God, they had wrestled as well.  But the moment I obeyed, the burden lifted. They were at peace. And so was I.

Did everyone understand? Absolutely not. Like at all. But that's okay. I have learned that listening to Jesus far outweighs listening to anyone else.  He is my safe place. I trust Him. 

God asks us to do hard things. But when you love Him, you cling to Him. You run to Him. You hold on to Him. 

It doesn't have to make sense. You just do it because you know it's right.

So today it begins for us. Scared. Excited. Broken. Ready. Big breath-let's leap!